Vacation Wrap-up! Part 1

I was away all last week and we had pretty unreliable WiFi so I wasn't able to post much so I'm excited to share it with you guys now! When I was going back through the pictures I realized that one post would probably be too long so I'm breaking it up into 2! I felt incredibly grateful and blessed that we even had the opportunity to go away on a vacation after what the three of us went through last summer. I'm happy to say that my mom was fully able and ready to get away to the beach! We found a dog friendly cottage which was a block away from a dog friendly beach so we loaded up little Layla and the four of us headed to Cape May, New Jersey. It's about a six hour drive from Pittsburgh which was the perfect distance for us.

We actually had a beach house in Rehoboth, Delaware when I was growing up and Cape May is right across the bay, you can actually take a ferry over to it. Still, Cape May was a whole new place for us and it was fun to explore. It's pretty much the cutest little town I've ever seen and we're thinking about going back next year. The people we rented the cottage from were super friendly, dog-lovers, and had plenty of helpful tips of what to see and where to go! It was also a relief to be able to bring Layla along because she's so young and I wouldn't want to have to board her or keep her with family plus I'd miss the little bugger too much! I would've been too stressed out and worried about her so I loved being able to have her with us. There were also some dog-friendly places in town so we took her out to breakfast with us!

So this post is probably going to be a little out of order since I can't remember what we made on which days but we definitely used the grill at the house! We grilled corn, zucchini and squash, chicken, swordfish you name it and it was on the grill. I think my sister finally convinced me that it would be worth it to invest in a new grill since we used it so much on vacation and I missed having one when we got home. I apologize that I won't have many pictures for the recipe as my mind was on vacation mode and I didn't stop to take a lot of pictures before gobbling up my food. Still, I'll try to recap as much as I can!

We got in late Saturday afternoon so me and Amanda went grocery shopping and made a quick dinner before going for a run. We decided to take Layla with us because she had been in the car all day and we would be running on the sand which we figured would be easier on her joints than pavement. I read several articles awhile ago about running with your puppy at too early of an age since the vigorous exercise can interfere with their proper growth and development. She's almost 8 months old now (they recommended around 9-12 months is okay) so I've slowly started taking her for short runs with me once a week. On Saturday with Amanda, we ran 1 mile, walked 1/4 mile, ran 1 mile, and walked 1/4 mile. Usually I don't take walking breaks but I wanted to make sure Layla would do okay which is why we also only ran 2 total. I'm proud and happy to say that she LOVED it. She's a natural born runner and it was amazing at how little I had to train her. She didn't pull, didn't try to stop and sniff anything, didn't get overly excited to see other dogs and people, and stayed right by my side. She was thrilled to be able to just trot alongside us and actually seemed disappointed when we would make her stop to take a walking break, she would keep trying to get going again! I look forward to our Tuesday runs now and she's doing well with the training and directions I give her.

Sorry to get off topic but Layla is such a huge part of my life that I love talking about her! Anyone that knows me knows I'm a huge animal person and especially a dog person. I didn't even realize how much I missed having a dog until we got her so needless to say I'm soaking up every minute I can get with her!

Just to prove what a goof she is here she is laying on my legs in the car. We have a whole backseat to ourselves and guess where she sat the whole time? Right. on. me. Anyone who was brave enough to sit in the back seat with her (either my sister or me) got bombarded with cuddles! 

The reason you can't see my legs is because there's a giant fluffball laying on them...

She's lucky I love her to death!

We had perfect weather all week and the beach wasn't too crowded either which was really nice. We stayed on the bay side since that's the dog-friendly beach so we were able to avoid all the crowded beaches along the main part of town.

On Sunday we took my mom to see the Cape May lighthouse since she loves anything and everything to do with lighthouses. It was a beautiful day!

I took advantage of her being glued to me in the car to take some selfies :) sorry I'm not sorry!

Read more in Part 2

Red, White, and Blue-berry Pancakes

My mom, sister, Layla, and I were away on vacation at the beach this past week! The down side is that the only day it decided to ran was the Fourth of July. And I mean it probably could've been classified as a minor hurricane. There was no way we could have left the house unless we wanted to get spontaneously blown away to some random place. We decided not to risk our chances of ending up in a stranger's backyard and cozied up inside.

I had a major craving for pancakes and as I've gotten much better now, I actually allow myself to indulge my cravings (as long as they're within reason). We had picked up some pancake mix at the grocery store earlier in the week for my mom plus I had some fresh blueberries so I figured why not? Sounded like the perfect start to blueberry pancakes and a delicious way to get my carb fix!

But then I saw the fatal flaw in my plan: no maple syrup. I mean who wants to eat plain pancakes, am I right? Then another idea came to me and it's one I've always wanted to try but was too lazy because I had maple syrup within my reach-- a fresh fruit compote! I've never made one before and they always sound so fancy and time-consuming to me but I was ready to take on the challenge for the sake of eating delicious pancakes.

I had blueberries, stevia, and water so I decided to give it a go. I promise you I may never go back to maple syrup again! And that's saying something. I was so pleasantly surprised that I was mildly (extremely) disappointed when I finished the last bite and wasn't able to have a second helping of pancakes. One because I ran out of blueberries and two because I didn't feel like making a fresh batch.

So for the pancakes I ended up following the directions from the box and substituted almond milk and egg whites for the regular milk and whole eggs to make it a little healthier. Once I had the base mixed, I added about 1/2 cup fresh blueberries to the batter. If I had been at home I would have prepared the batter from scratch but I didn't have all the necessary ingredients on hand and had to make the best of it!

For the blueberry compote:

1/4 cup fresh blueberries
1-2 tbsp stevia
1/2 cup water

I can't promise that these are exact measurements for the compote since I was experimenting. I was only left with about a quarter cup of blueberries once I made the pancake mix and I had no idea how much water would be needed. All I did was fill the sauce pan until the blueberries were submerged a bit so I'm guessing it was about 1/2 or a little more. Once again with the stevia I guess-timated and it was probably closer to 2 tablespoons in the end.

I brought the mixture to a boil and then turned down the heat to a simmer and let it reduce while I cooked the pancakes. I didn't have it exactly timed but it probably took about 8-10 minutes for it to get to a consistency that I liked. If you're not sure while you're cooking it check to see if the blueberries have burst and are breaking down a bit. You don't want them to be completely disintegrated but they should be slightly broken down. It should also have considerably thickened up. Those two things is how I judged it to be done and removed it from the heat.

I poured the compote over the pancakes and dug in! I'm telling you I was in carb heaven :)

Sometimes the best recipes turn out when you have simple ingredients and are forced to try out new things! I'm glad that I actually got around to trying out a compote and can't wait to experiment with it. I'll keep you posted with all my compotesitions ;) sorry that was a terrible joke. Compote + composition = compotesition...get it...? Let's pretend that didn't happen and move on.

Here's a picture of the tasty beauties

Just because she's so darn cute and I love showing her off here's some of the pictures from vacation with Layla. She had never been to the beach before and definitely loved it! She just turned 7 months but I still think she's just as cute as the first day we brought her home!

Did you do anything fun for the Fourth?!

Getting healthier wasn't a piece of cake

I wanted to write this because I want to make something very clear: it took awhile and it took a lot for me to get myself better. I've been reading some health and fitness blogs/instagram accounts for awhile about people who went through struggles with their weight or self-esteem but they tended to focus more on how they were healthy now. Don't get me wrong that's great and awesome to celebrate health but there wasn't much talk about much how they got there. This seems silly to admit but I started worrying that their recovery had been so much simpler than mine. Almost to the point where I felt ashamed that I went through something much different, as though there was something wrong with me. I'm not trying to criticize anyone, really and truly, because everyone goes through different things and not everyone wants to share their experience in that great of detail. I get it completely because that was me for about the past two years but after reading other stories I started to feel bad about myself thinking that maybe I was really messed up. Then, one of my favorite people I follow on instagram opened up about her backstory and it was so raw and honest that it made me feel better about my own situation. She went through experiences almost the exact same as me. In fact her more recent posts have been focusing on the hard times during her recovery because she has been going through a few struggles recently. The honesty in her posts has been a blessing and an answer to a prayer! I wasn't alone and you aren't either.

I also realize that these are highly personal situation as you have so many emotions and thoughts swirling around that it's completely understandable if you don't want to share that with strangers on the internet. But it meant a lot that she does this because she does it for us, those who might be going through something similar and just needed to know they weren't the only one.

I have never talked about any of this with anyone, not even friends or family so when I started this journey I didn't know what was normal and what wasn't. Sometimes I still feel ashamed because I'll look at my sister or friends who have so much confidence that I think to myself they don't ever feel the way I do. That maybe I'm just really messed up in the head and no one else really has thoughts like me about their own body. But we all have had some negative thoughts towards our image at one point or another. It's human nature. We compare ourselves to others even if we don't open up about it. 

So I'm here today to tell you exactly what I went through. I'm going to be as open and honest as I can because the truth of the matter is that I'm ashamed of how bad I was towards myself. I cringe at the negative thoughts about my body and the things I would say to myself. The extremes I was willing to go to just to get to a certain weight. Like always I'm not perfect at it now but I'm a lot better towards myself than I was a year ago. 

I guess I'll start in early 2013 because that's when I began putting weight back on and that's where it really started to go downhill. I remember so specifically the day I had my first binge in the end of January. My body was worn down and crying out for food but I was unwilling because I was afraid of gaining weight. I eventually lost and gave into my cravings because I couldn't handle the deprivation and the hunger anymore. I'll be honest I had a couple times when I lost control before this but they were few and far between compared to what was coming. Looking back now I don't even consider them binges based off of what happened in 2013. They were practically a drop in the bucket. 

Anyway so it started in January 2013 and try as I might I couldn't get my eating back under control. I was so hungry after depriving myself for nearly a year that I became terrified about being around any trigger foods. Basically anything that was chocolate or peanut butter I wouldn't allow myself to eat because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself after a bite. I was so ashamed because I had such awesome will power before this. My family and friends saw me as the healthy and fit girl that I didn't want to admit I was having these problems. I didn't even know it was possible but my anxiety of food suddenly tripled. I was afraid of being tempted at all because it would inevitably lead to a binge which I was terrified of gaining weight. 

I hate looking back now but those were some of the roughest days for me. I remember standing in front of the pantry in tears because I was at war with myself. The first day I stepped on the scale in weeks and realized I had gained a pound was emotionally draining for me. It was like I was living my worst nightmare of gaining back the rest of the weight. I was so fragile and at rock-bottom that I was so unhappy with my body. I tried cutting back my calories drastically but that only made the binges worse because I was trying to deprive myself even more. 

This lasted from the end of January to early April. By then I had put on roughly 5 pounds and in full crisis mode. I remember my mom confronted me because she noticed I had weird eating habits like trying to sneak food in the kitchen or getting "sick" when actually I would force myself to throw up and then claim I just wasn't feeling that well. I don't think she ever really knew the full force of what I was going through or she would have put me in therapy for sure but my point is that I wasn't fooling anyone. I thought I was but my mom had her eye on me since day 1 of losing the weight. I've never been diagnosed with any kind of eating disorder (although I never agreed to go see a doctor) and I wouldn't say I was ever anorexic or bulimic but looking back now it was blatantly obvious I did not have a healthy relationship with either food or my body. I just never realized it at the time.  

The next phase was a little better as I learned to accept the changes in my weight and decided that I was going to do things healthier from now on. From April to end of May I probably put on the last 5 pounds for a total of 10 in all since January. Gaining the last 5 was healthier than the first but I was still in a very fragile state. I had gained more control over my eating and probably only had a binge maybe once a month which was a huge decrease from close to twice a week. 

I can't explain it because I honestly can't say if my intentions back then were to gain weight but at the same time I knew I had to gain weight because I wanted to get better. It's a paradox and complicated but you can only understand if you've been through it. The more I gained weight the more I reminded myself that it was healthy and that I needed to gain it back. But then at the same time I was so disgusted with myself and felt incredibly fat. I was so unhappy but also trying to force myself to face the reality of my situation. Looking back now I know I could have done it in a healthier way but I wasn't educated on how to do it. I should have taken the opportunity to schedule an appointment with a nutritionist but I was too stubborn and afraid. When I went to see a doctor in December 2012, she actually told me I wasn't producing enough estrogen because of my diet and that I should see a nutritionist. I brushed it off though and never booked the referral. Maybe the process would have been easier but I have to say I learned a lot about myself. In the end what happens is meant to happen so I can't look back now at the what ifs. 

If only it had all stopped in May 2013 but no there was another full swing of it on its way. I told you I was going to be as honest about all of this as I can which means it's gonna be a long post. So it's now about June 2013 and I'm back to a healthier weight but I still haven't gotten my periods back. I was still in such a fragile mindset that those negative habits soon took hold again. I began tearing myself apart once more for my weight and it came with such a renewed vengeance that it was probably the worst it had ever been. I became desperate for it to stop and in my mind there was only one way: lose the weight again. I should have known that this wouldn't work and would lead to more problems but I was still in an unhealthy mindset back then. My metabolism was still shot because I hadn't repaired it even with all the binges because I wasn't taking in the proper nutrients it needed. 

So what I did to try to lose weight was I dropped my calories to around 1000-1100 and amped up my cardio. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get the toned look I wanted but no matter how much I ran I never looked muscular. Once again I wasn't properly educated but I'm not gonna focus on that now. The point is my body didn't change much because I still wasn't healthy. My eating was back under control so I felt better because I wasn't always so guilty and I did lose a couple inches as I tightened back up with the extra running. Things were okay from about June to July but not going as quickly as I wanted. 

Then one day in early August I thought I had figured out the secret and what would get me back to my weight. The first time I stopped running and then cut calories, right? So I decided to take a break from running and then promptly cut my calories from 1200 to 500. Only 500 calories a day, I thought I could survive on that?! 

I remember so clearly the day when my sister picked me up from work and we were driving out of the city. We were going along one of the main roads and I saw a girl about my age and height walking along the sidewalk. She was super skinny and I immediately began comparing myself to her and felt bad about myself. I told myself I was so much fatter and in my "mind" she had the perfect body. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't stop until I looked just like her and was that skinny. She honestly probably only weighed 90 pounds but I wanted to get to that weight. At my lowest I was about the low 100s, which never classified me as "underweight" but I was dangerously close because for my height the line is about 99lbs. When I was restricting I had never been under 100 but I now made it my mission. I thought if I did then I would finally be happy.

But I wasn't happy and tried so hard for the next month to just drastically lose the weight. All that happened was I lost more and more of the already little muscle I had from running. I don't know why I thought that only eating 500 calories a day would give me a toned and lean look. Muscles need food but I refused to see reason. I was stubborn and thought I would just starve my body until it gave me what I wanted. I was at complete war with myself. I eventually caved around the beginning of September because I couldn't keep up with it-- my body was exhausted and I was exhausted from hiding it from my sister and family so they wouldn't realize I was hardly eating. I barely ate anything while I was at work all day so that when I came home for dinner I'd be able to eat enough to avoid suspicion. I resolved then and there to try it out the healthy way. I began to slowly increase my calories again as I incorporated running back in and by the end of October, my periods finally came back. After 21 months my body was finally at a healthy balance again.

It was a roller coaster with monstrous ups and downs but somehow I made it through. Once I made the firm commitment to become healthy once and for all last September I haven't looked back. My mind and body are so much stronger than what they were last year and I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. I'm still knee deep in the recovery process but this time it's different than when I first started. I have more faith and trust in myself and I've learned so much about true health as well as recognize the disastrous mistakes I have made. I've seen and now understand the error of my ways and I won't be making those same mistakes again.

Like I said I'm still on my journey and of course I have my ups and downs but in the big picture it's still been progress. My major accomplishment this year was that I just got back from vacation and I actually felt confident stepping onto the beach in my bathing suit. Last summer I put my bikini on once, looked in the mirror and cried. No lie and I refused to be seen in it because I felt so ashamed of myself. Looking back it breaks my heart because there was no reason for me to feel that way but again it's something you can never understand unless you've been through it. I was trapped by my own mind and fell victim once again to those negative thoughts about my body.

So I'm not going to sugar coat it and pretend to tell you that my recovery is a piece of cake because truth be told it wasn't and still isn't. In fact, it has been more difficult for me than when I was restricting and at my lowest weight. I've put myself through hell and back but with the grace of God he has been healing me. I've begun to see myself as the person I was created to be and I'm proud of where I am today because I've fought tooth and nail to become the woman I am now. If you're at rock bottom now believe me it gets better because there was literally nowhere for me to go but up and that thought sustained me throughout the process. I had already been at my worst and knew what that was like so all I knew was that I didn't want to go back to that point. I made mistakes, cried, bullied myself, and questioned whether or not I could do it but made myself keep going because I didn't want to end up back where I had been.

I've put it all on the table, the nitty gritty details of what I went through. I wanted to be as honest and open as possible so my prayer is that this reaches someone who needs to hear it, too. It was such a relief for me to find out I wasn't alone and that people go through similar struggles as myself. I hope to be there for someone else in their time of need as someone else's story was there for me. As always, please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to. I've been there before and completely understand! Like I always say I'm not an expert or professional but how about a friend?

xoxo,
Sam