The Million Dollar Question

I had an epiphany the other day, and I'm not talking about my typical ones like what-if-I-put-peanut-butter-on-that but a real, meaningful light bulb moment. It was a pretty big deal considering what it was about. 

It all started with something very silly with my hair being frizzy from the rain, ladies know what I'm saying? It's just an all around problem living in Pittsburgh which I have dubbed the humidity capital of the world. 

Anyway, I found myself wishing that if I could have sleek, humidity-resistant hair like my cousin then I'd be happier. 

I caught myself mid-thought, and really asked myself that question:

Would I be happier?

This then snow-balled in to other things as I started to ask myself if I could change other things about my appearance, would I? But then the million dollar question was if I could suddenly be at a certain weight, would I change that?

At first you would think the obvious response if you asked any girl that seems a resounding yes, right?

But I realized something very, very important. I don't want that because I want to work for it. For me it's not even about getting to a certain weight, but just being comfortable in my skin. I wouldn't even want that at the drop of a dime because I wouldn't have worked for it. What meaning would any of it have if it was just handed to me?

I want the knowledge that everything I have gone through shaped me, both physically and mentally. That it made me exactly who I am today because I don't think God would have put me in those circumstances otherwise. Everything was for a reason, and at the end of the day I want to rest in the comfort that I got to be where I am today because I put in the hard work and trusted God to get me where I needed to be. I learned, I grew from it, and I don't regret a thing. 

The feeling that I get when I PR in the gym is so empowering because I know that I pushed myself to get to that point. Every day that I get stronger, I know it's because I worked my butt off the day before to get to that place. All of that makes me who I am today, and why I appreciate the things that I do. 

Even last year I didn't understand why God had me in the place where I was. Coming from two years of restrictive-binge cycles, body hating, and valuing my worth by a number, I didn't know what the point was. Well, I do now. Call me crazy but I'm thankful for those years. God taught me some very valuable lessons that will carry with me for the rest of my life.

I wasted so much time wishing to be at a certain weight, to see a number I would like pop up on the scale, and that's time I'll never get back. I'm not saying that in a regretful way or trying to get sympathy, but it's a simple fact. I wasted time wishing when I could have been working. I'm thankful that eventually I caught on to God's plan, but I spent too much time on something meaningless.

I realize that this is an entirely hypothetical question because obviously I would not be able to magically be at a certain weight just by answering the question. The point is it's a huge change for me, mentally, to come to the conclusion that I did. Before, I would've jumped at the chance to get to pick that magical number on the scale. I would've thought that being at a certain weight is all it would take to make/keep me happy.

I honestly have not weighed myself in months. I have found my value outside of the scale, and it has been the best thing for my health. My health, both mental and physical, and strength are my focus now. It's not like I even actively started to avoid the scale on purpose, it really and truly just slips my mind. I don't think about it, I don't feel like I have to do it, and so the thought of weighing myself just faded away.

It took time, it took patience, and it took a lot of faith in God. But I know I'm where I am today because I worked for it instead of wishing.